Why Positivity Is a Skill, Not a Personality Trait
Sometimes we run into people that feel like sunshine. We’re greeted with a calm demeanor, a warm smile, and genuine care. What is it about them that makes everything feel like it’ll be okay?
Other times we run into people that feel like a vacuum. They pull the oxygen out of a room just by proximity, and you leave their company worse for wear. What We Do in the Shadows is a vampire-based tv show that made a running joke out of it. One of the main characters is an “energy vampire”; that is, instead of drinking blood for sustenance, one who sustains themselves by draining the emotional energy of the people around them.
There is also, of course, the recently-coined concept of “toxic positivity”, something we try our best to avoid generally as much. It could be described as the excessive and overgeneralized belief that no matter how dire a situation is, you should remain operating in a positive mindset. There is something to be said for sometimes just acknowledging that you’ve had some tough luck, but why do we find positivity so off-putting? I believe it’s because it’s much easier to just be negative. It comes more naturally, and, as it happens, we’re all very good at it.
Extensive bonding happens through complaining. This is especially true in work environments where stress is high, morale is low, and your misery searches for company. We all want someone who sympathizes with our woes. Someone who understands. I do believe that universally we need to find someone who is with us in the trenches. We’re wired to avoid discomfort and disappointment, and so much of the time, that’s what we’re met with. Aiming high is both difficult to do and difficult to sustain.
If we think through our hardest moments though, most of us would say we eventually ran into someone that was simply the right kind of supportive. They gave us what we needed whenever we needed it most, whether it was words of encouragement, brain power thinking through an issue, or some other form of assistance. The end result is usually that by leaning on their strength and energy, you found the way through. That’s something you usually don’t receive from your commiseration buddies.
It’s infinitely easier to pull each other down instead of lifting ourselves or others up. One takes advantage of gravity, and the other requires brute strength. If we know it’s the love tap that keeps us going, though, what keeps us from seeking more of them out for ourselves or choosing to be available that way for others?
We tend to treat positivity like a quirky personality trait. It’s treated like something someone might be lucky enough to just “have”, instead of something that’s developed through habit. While some people do tend to inexplicably incline toward the positive, I also stoutly believe it’s trainable. Positivity is a skill.
Separating people into “positive people” and “negative people” is massively oversimplified. Positivity is simply a collection of habits:
- What you notice
- What you reinforce
- How you interpret setbacks
- How quickly you recover
- What questions you ask yourself
- Where your attention naturally rests
The ability to look on the bright side of things is built through repetition of habits. No one expects someone to end up physically strong because they were accidentally lifting weights; that’s an intentional decision each time it’s done, yet for some reason, we expect emotional resilience to appear without practice.
Our thoughts are heavily dictated by emotion, and emotion is heavily dictated by hormonal balance. If we’re too hungry, too tired, too hot, etc., the world tilts off-kilter. How can we possibly expect that without the intentional training of our thought lives that we would end up as anything other than someone held emotionally hostage by our brains?
Toxic positivity says that our response should always be “everything is fine”. I would argue that healthy positivity being appropriately leveraged would sound more like “everything is NOT fine, but I will find a way to still move forward.” There shouldn’t be an expectation to ignore reality, minimize pain, or force optimism. Healthy positivity should tell the truth, acknowledge difficulty, and maintain a belief that progress is still possible.
In a position of leadership, our teams rely on us for emotional direction. If we’re excited, we can get them excited. If we’re beaten down, they’ll give up before they start. As information filters through us, we can’t expect our teams to be able to separate how they should feel about something from the emotional presentation that we give to them. If they have to provide the pep, they’re really the one(s) leading. Great leadership requires realism and hope at the same time. The speed of a culture runs at the speed of the leader.
Like negativity, positivity can also be contagious. If someone smiles at you, you’re likely to unconsciously smile back. If people in a room are laughing, you’re more prone to laughter (which is why stand-up comedy is always funnier in person). If everyone around you can find the silver lining, you’ll want to see it too.
Here are 10 things you can do immediately to start reframing your mental picture:
- Change your inner question. Instead of asking yourself “what went wrong?”, ask yourself, “what can I learn?”
- Celebrate progress before perfection. Most people wait until the finish line to acknowledge success. Positive leaders should acknowledge momentum.
- Name three wins every day. Not because life is perfect, but because your brain won’t naturally notice them.
- Catch yourself catastrophizing. Change “this always happens” to “this happened today.” Small language shifts can create major emotional shifts.
- Be intentional about encouragement. It isn’t fluff, it’s fuel. People repeat what gets recognized.
- Take a language audit. Spend 7 days tracking your words. Count how often you default to “problem”, “failure”, or “issue” vs. “challenge”, “opportunity”, or “data point”. Notice your reflex.
- Make sure people feel heard. Even if your goal is to redirect toward a solution, people still want to express their own hang-ups before they can see past them. It’s okay to create space for this, but don’t fall into step.
- Learn to calibrate severity. Build a mental scale from minor friction (typo, short delay) to real loss (lay-off, failed launch, a mistake with real consequences). On the minor end reframe freely, but toward real loss, lead with acknowledgement and earn the reframe later.
- Use a “both/and” check. Can you hold both truth and hope in the same hand without one canceling out the other? If not, sit in the tension a little longer.
- Hold a trusted debrief. After a hard conversation, ask a peer or mentor if your feedback landed honestly or as glossing over the surface. External calibration is usually more useful than self-assessment.
We’ll never be perfect, and we’ll still get overwhelmed; however, if you put the above into practice, I’d be shocked if you weren’t shocked at where your brain will begin to naturally lead you over time.
Where in your leadership do you default to “that’s just how I am” instead of asking what other tough skill you could build?