Stopping Gossip and Complaints in the Workplace
If you’ve ever played a game of telephone, you know that somewhere down the line your starting phrase inevitably changes. It’s a fact of life like the sun rising or the tides. People mishear, misunderstand, mis-whatever, and by the end you’re left with something completely and utterly incorrect.
In real life sometimes the message only has to filter through one person. You might ask, if it’s only going through one person, is it really filtered? Yes. They are the filter.
If stories were told verbatim, the way they actually happened minute by minute, it would take as long to tell them as it would for them to happen. The natural thing to do is paraphrase to get the point across. Paraphrasing in itself is essentially a filter for the most important information. You take the highlights, compress the syntax, sift for meaning, and voila: tea is served.
People can’t help but to take information and put it into a jello mold of their own thoughts and feelings. It’s how humans make sense of and relate to the world. All information is applied to our own context and reframed upon departure to its next port of call. We decide based on how we feel and our experiences to decide what makes it to the next round.
It’s no secret that gossip is usually hurtful and damaging. No one is attached to your business like you are, so people spice it up by adding jokes or outlandish implications. Whatever will be entertaining! Can you believe it?
How often do we stop to go to the source? Really, how common is it for someone to say, “Are you sure that’s true? I’m going to ask them about that.” Even if they did, the news-bearer would likely say no! Don’t tell them! I don’t want them to know I was talking about them! Or… I don’t want to cause a problem!
Oh, you don’t? Hmm.
People tend the fire, but no one wants the smoke. Only drama but no conflict. No resolution. No discomfort. In terms of workplace gossip, this tends to be the bed of adult quicksand we all feared as children.
It can feel impossible to get a handle on as a manager. This is especially true if the team is small, because working in close quarters with only a few people creates a closeness with each person you can’t easily avoid. You MUST find a way to get along in order to move from day to day. Even if you have a good relationship with your direct reports, there’s no guarantee they have a good relationship with each other; plus, you’re the one who’s in charge of doing something about it. Pipe down the hearsay! Take care of the complaints! Fix all the problems!
I’ve been in countless situations where my team has an issue they want me to hear out where all I could think to do was be a listening ear. I know better than to get in the middle of it… people just need a place to vent. It took me way, way longer than it should have to realize the truth: that is trash advice.
There’s nothing wrong with trying to create a safe, peaceful environment for people to work in. In fact, that’s a healthy manager’s goal. Let’s all just come to work and get along. Just do the job. 🙂
Easier said than done.
On various teams, I’ve drowned under the weight of team-member gossip and complaints where, surprise surprise, no one wanted to verify anything or do anything about the issue. Just complain. My life improved immensely when I started to take a different approach. When someone’s dumping their bucket about a coworker, here’s the game changer:
“How would you like me to address that?”
Oop. Not prepared for that one, eh? There’s only two answers.
- I want you to address is by “__”. (Fine, healthy.)
- I don’t want you to address it.
It’s number 2 that causes the real problem, but it’s almost a universal answer, or some variant of it. I just wanted you to know. I just think it’s __. I just I just I just.
No just.
You felt it was important enough to bring to my attention, yes? What would you like me to do about it? Sometimes the answer is “well you can just tell them how people feel about it.”
People? You mean you. And have me tell them? No. Why? I don’t necessarily feel that way about it. Even if I do, you’re the one with the concern. Be an adult and go discuss it. If it goes south then you can come and get me. Otherwise, be a big kid and use your words.
This is hands down the fastest, most effective way to shut off the faucet. The Goss Foss, if you will. By informing people that they will have to deal with their own interpersonal issues or interests, or in turn by telling them that if they don’t then you can pursue something more formal, like a sit-down meeting between you, them, and said parties, you somehow inspire that behavior to disappear. Especially if they were just chatting out of boredom! Who knew?
Every influencer video about how to get ahead at work mentions “bring your manager solutions, not problems”. This is really no different. Eventually, I found a way to empower myself to stay out from underneath the overwhelming pile of slanderous shibboleth tossed my way.
Leave me out of it or be sure you want to involve me.
I should run an as-seen-on-tv ad for this – cuts your noise by over half! Money-back guarantee.
People gossip for a lot of reasons:
- Belonging
- I’m part of the group because I know what’s going on.
- Validation
- “Other people are frustrated too.”
- Control
- If I understand the rumor, I feel less uncertain.
- Connection
- Gossip can temporarily create intimacy between people.
- Venting
- I have nowhere else to take my frustration.
- Entertainment
- Let’s be honest.
There are times when gossip is enticing because, at our worst, hearing about other people’s questionable business or hardship can make us feel less alone in our own. We have something to compare ourselves to. That being said, there’s almost never a time where if the tables were turned, you would be okay with yourself or your own issues being the subject.
Even if the topic isn’t malicious, even if it really is someone just blowing off steam about something irritating, why wouldn’t you want to address it and see if the offending behavior can be corrected? What if the person isn’t even aware that they’re doing it? What if you could make everything better by just discussing it?
So much of the time, people are just looking for an outlet to discuss how something made them feel (usually negative). Sad, angry, irritated, disgusted, annoyed, frustrated, impatient, etc. I have empathy for that, but, why am I the place to dump all of the issues? I am not a garbage can. Take the trash elsewhere.
Do something about it.
If your grapevine isn’t willing, let them know not to bring things of that nature to you unless they want you to act. Do act if they don’t stop. If you’re the leader of the environment, I encourage you now to take this strategy forward. At the very least, free up a terabyte of mental space and lighten your own load by offering to address anything that’s a true concern. Follow through with it if they agree.
The speed of the culture runs at the speed of the leader. Be the person that changes the conversation. It’s always better on the other side.