Blog

A How-To Without Burning Bridges

The principle of boundary-setting has become a homing beacon to the millennial generation hoping to improve their relational surroundings and emotional health. People-pleasing is an issue that many people openly struggle with, and regardless of the root cause of the behavior, (whether it’s hoping to climb the ladder at work or a parent, sibling, or partner guilting us into something) we struggle to say no to tasks, situations, and people we care about. Particularly in the context of the workplace, a lack of boundaries causes huge issues for people who truly are in a simple pursuit of balance. 

Why don’t we say anything? A lot of it is based in fear. We fear the trouble we’ll get in for missing a deadline, the scolding we’ll get for challenging a coworker or boss, the embarrassment we’ll feel if anyone figures out we’re running behind with overwhelm, the exposition of having to put words to our feelings, and the discomfort of stumbling into unexpected conflict (etc., ad nauseam). We don’t want to be told we’re difficult, cold, or not a team player.

Take this, for example: you accept a job where you’re promoted from an hourly role to a salaried leadership position. When the job is explained to you, your boss says “not a lot will change, you’ve already been doing most of the job. That’s why we know you’re the best fit for this! We believe in you.” A vote of confidence. The business closes at 4:30 pm, you’ve almost always gotten to leave on time, and there’s no real reason to be there after-hours anyway. Things start off great! You have increased flexibility, more PTO with tenure, and similar expectations of performance; however, as time goes on, your boss starts to close in on increasing your productivity. Your workload and areas of responsibility increase without commensurate pay. You’re told the expectation is to do more with less.

In an effort to recover from the stress and looming burnout, you schedule a vacation somewhere tropical. A few days to relax and unwind! You leave on a Wednesday and will be back by Monday. Monday morning, feeling a little better, you arrive at work ready to get started – unfortunately, what you walk into instead is a private ambush with leadership expressing their concern that you didn’t respond to their e-mails over the weekend and you weren’t prepared for an unexpected project this morning. “But I was on PTO!” you say. Your boss returns with, “Sure, but if you had prepared for the work week properly after returning, you’d come to work with the necessary updated information.” Sound far-fetched? This story actually comes from my own household. My husband left this company shortly after that exchange, following another conversation with his boss who, after 4 years of singing my husband’s praises and offering consistent promotions, told him in year 5 he “couldn’t see what value he brought to the team.”

Many reading will likely relate already, but the popularity of the cartoon character known as “Veronica” speaks volumes as to how prevalent these issues really are. Gaining hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of likes per video, Veronica firmly sets boundaries in the workplace, usually with her boss, but sometimes with coworkers. Why so popular? Because she’s the hero version of ourselves we wish we could be. She’s never rude. She simply stands her ground when someone approaches with the intent to take advantage.

Without proactively setting boundaries, we create an environment where people have (and take) free rein to overextend you however you’ll let them. Many times it’s little things that add up over time. We stay hopeful someone will notice the extra work or the extra effort. We hope that someone will repay the goodwill to us in the future. This creates so many issues where we end up feeling resentful, run-down, ineffective, and unappreciated. The truth is that when we protect our time and energy, we show up better for the people who need us. When we frame boundaries this way, it’s easier to see them as an investment into relationship (as opposed to a hacksaw to cut relationship down).

A boundary isn’t meant to be a wall; it’s a neon sign that says “here’s how to work with me well.” Every leader needs 4 boundaries in place:

1. Time boundaries – when you’re accessible, and when you’re not.
   • “Work-life balance is a priority to me. If I can’t achieve it, my performance won’t be sustainable. I will not be available after 5 p.m. or on weekends.”
2. Scope boundaries – what decisions you own vs. delegate vs. refuse entirely.
   • “When I was hired, the job description clearly stated that these duties would not be among my responsibilities, and we had a clear conversation regarding this in my interview as well. I’m not going to be able to absorb this duty.”
     1. Also a conversation I actually had. I accepted a role as an Operations Manager with no sales duties, which was important because I had an active noncompete for selling in the market. When I said no, they had HR send me an updated job description they requested I sign. I signed a resignation letter instead.
3. Emotional boundaries – staying present without absorbing others’ emotions.
   • “I can hear you’re stressed about this, and I want to help you think it through, but it feels like you have an expectation that I panic with you. I need us to slow down a little. I do my best work when I’m problem-solving, not panic-solving.”
4. Values-based boundaries – the non-negotiables that define your leadership identity.
   • “No, I won’t lie about this to my team. This violates a rule of integrity I uphold for myself and the expectation I carry of those around me.”

What do all four of the above examples have in common? They clearly name the issue, they’re anchored to a “why”, and they hold the response calmly. Being firm ≠ being cold.

Whew. Okay, you got it out there. Be proud of yourself! But now you have a new problem. What are you going to do when pushback comes? (Because it will.) It is true that people don’t like being inconvenienced, whether by workaround or sometimes just by morality. Skilled manipulators know that escalating ugly behavior is likely to achieve their goal of having you stand down because so many of us draw back from conflict. Fear works. Usually, though, holding firm is only difficult on the front end. The long-term pays dividends. The key is to be ✨ consistent ✨ in how you respond to the pressure.

Of course, I acknowledge you put more on the line when you’re battling upward, but if you’re in a position as the authority on your team and you’re speaking to a direct report, it’s essential to remember that you’re actually in control of the environment. This remains true regardless of how you’ve previously allowed your team to make you feel. When you set a new boundary, it’s inevitable that the team will respond (probably negatively) to the change. Just remember this: the first push on your boundary is a test, but how you handle the second or third times is what becomes policy. If you uphold, they eventually stop testing. If you fold, they know they’re actually who’s in control.

Let’s say someone simply expresses concern for your newfound ability to decline. How can you tell if they’re testing the boundary or expressing genuine apprehension? Ask yourself, “Is this person engaging with my reasoning, or just my “no”? True concern will seek to understand and can tolerate disappointment. Boundary testing tends to treat “no” as an opening bid.

Another key factor to making these conversations successful is to stay relational under pressure. People who act out when they’re frustrated, irritated, or otherwise upset often count on producing a reaction in you to overwhelm you in an attempt to change your mind. Here are some go-to phrases to keep in your back pocket to make sure the conversation stays flowing and positive:

• “I’m not moving on this, but I would like to understand what’s driving the ask.”
• “My answer is still no, but I want to make sure you don’t leave this conversation feeling unheard.”
• “___ isn’t on the table, but let’s talk about what is.”
• “Something has shifted for you here. Help me understand what this is actually about.”
• “I’ve heard you, and my position hasn’t changed. What do you need from me to move forward?”
• “We can keep talking about whether this is the right call, or we can discuss how to work best within it. If you’re not ready for the latter let’s take a break.”

When you become a seasoned boundary-setter, you’ll begin to understand that boundaries tend to strengthen relationships and not diminish them. The boundaries are separate from the relationship. People hate to have to guess where they stand, and the more clarity you can provide, the better the relationship will function. There’s also another incredibly essential truth here – when you set your boundaries, you give others permission to have their own.

Head over to my Leadership Consulting page to learn more about working together!