What Keeps People on Board
Content Warning: While not graphic, this article makes references to abuse.
Your phone is ringing and you see it’s an old friend. Someone you haven’t chatted with in a while, but who you’d once been close to. You might actually still even consider them a “close” friend because of the history, and you can’t remember why you drifted apart.
“Hello?”
You catch up for a few minutes, but eventually your friend discloses they just need a listening ear. They ask if you’re free for coffee. It sounds urgent so you make the time. On the way, you can’t help but wonder what’s on their mind and wonder what might be so pressing. You order the drinks and get settled at a table. “So what’s up?”
“I think I might be in an abusive relationship. I need help figuring this out.”
Your mind swims. When? How? Why? You start asking questions, you need details. Have you missed signs? They haven’t really been around… maybe that’s why you’ve both drifted? Less available time from them dealing with something personal? It doesn’t matter, you’re here now – you want to help.
As you ask for information, they describe the temperature of the relationship as pretty cold. They don’t feel respected, heard, or trusted. They tell you how they keep making efforts to make their partner happy, but the efforts are either ignored, generally unacknowledged, or go nowhere. They tell you they dread seeing their partner. It drains them of energy. They believe they need them, though. They don’t see a way out. What if no one else wants them? What if it’s their fault and they just can’t see it? How can they be sure they’ve tried hard enough? When they talk about trying to discuss these issues with their partner, they’re consistently told that while the partner supposedly empathizes with the distress, it’s your friend’s own issue to manage. They tell you they feel like they’re drowning. They don’t feel important, much less that they’re a priority. They want to know what you think. What do you say?
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Few among us could engage in a conversation like this without significant alarm, and if it were anyone that we care about, our advice would center around finding a way out. We would acknowledge that, at the very least, this is unhealthy. Your friend has stated multiple times they see it as mental and emotional harm. It’s damaging their self-esteem, negatively impacting their beliefs of self worth and what they believe they contribute. I don’t think any one of us would assume this story is true and then recommend they just keep trying harder. Just keep chugging along! Maybe things will change? No. When we’re honest, we all would say run for the hills.
Plot twist, the terrible partner is their job.
Does this change your advice? Again, if we’re being honest, it might. While the Covid-19 era changed a lot of things for how the workplace operates, culturally we have long been in a place of acceptance that work probably just sucks for everybody, probably nothing better is out there, it would be a big risk to make a big change, and most likely we should just suck it up. We’re thrilled for people when they tell us they love their work! That’s the exception, though, not the rule. If you were forced to make a list of 5 people who look forward to Monday morning, you’d probably be in a bind.
This acceptance of our large-scale feelings around the workplace makes it harder to advocate that people take action. Are all of those fears true? Should they really just accept it? No, probably not! But encouraging someone to abandon their livelihood and take a risk on something different carries weight too.
At least for romantic relationships, we all stay pretty hopeful on behalf of the sufferer. There are plenty of fish in the sea! You’ll meet someone new! As for jobs? Eh, maybe. Let me know how it works out.
When we think about loyalty to the businesses we work for, there is still a massive divide between the thoughts of upper leadership and individual contributors. It’s no secret that Covid helped end the era of long-term (usually blind) loyalty; however, if you listen to most hiring managers today, lack of resume tenure is still at the top of the list for dismissing potential candidates. All it takes is one scroll through your LinkedIn feed to encounter the latest employer horror story of the day.
Hiring new people is expensive. They want someone who they believe will commit. Make it worth my resources to pursue you.
What do workers get in return? It varies, but it’s usually centered around perks. Great salary, great insurance, additional benefits like PTO, VTO, occasional free lunches, or maybe a creative job title that can be more easily leveraged for future growth. These things easily attract talent. When those things are on the table, it can be tough to dig deeper and force yourself to ask about things beyond the surface level in an interview.
What is work-life balance like? They might see me as uncommitted. How flexible is my schedule? Will you e-mail me if the door is closing behind me at 5:01? Will you add a 9:00 am meeting to my calendar if the 8:00 am morning stand-up doesn’t say everything you thought I should have checked off your mental list? Better yet, will you tell my team I’m in control and then just talk over me in meetings?
You can pay for performance, but you can’t buy loyalty. All of the above thoughts are based in fear. Fear is usually the end result of lived experience. “But we pay you so much money!” Anyone who’s ever been offered that high-dollar dream knows that, much of the time, the stress ends up not being worth the money. When there’s a viable way out people will go. This, then, begs the question: What actually makes people stay?
There are three drivers of real loyalty:
- Psychological safety
- This isn’t about comfort, it’s about consistency. People stay where expectations don’t shift unpredictably, feedback isn’t weaponized, and rules apply evenly. People stay when they can trust the environment won’t turn on them suddenly.
- Fairness
- Perception of fairness is often more important than outcomes. Watchpoints on this are promotions, recognition, and workload distribution. People will tolerate tough conditions if they believe the system is fair. When they sense politics or favoritism, buy-in drops dramatically.
- Meaningful acknowledgement
- There is a distinction between generic praise (great job!) and specific recognition (this was a great contribution because…). People stay where their work is noticed, understood, and feels consequential. This isn’t about being flattered, it’s about being seen accurately.
These drivers, though, need to be framed in the context of dealing with management. People don’t experience companies, they experience people. Managers are the delivery system of loyalty drivers. Even great companies lose people because of bad leadership.
Loyalty rarely dissipates from one dramatic incident. It erodes over time. It takes place when inconsistency, broken expectations, unaddressed unfairness, being overlooked, shifting standards, and lack of follow-through accumulate. People don’t just leave because they’re unhappy – people leave because they’re done hoping things will change.
There are other signals that can be misread as loyalty, for example: longevity, silence, steady performance. Some people stay out of fear, some for convenience, and maybe some from a temporary lack of options. Be careful not to interpret acceptance as satisfaction. Endurance ≠ loyalty.
As a leader, what kind of practical actions can you take to ensure the environment you’re creating is truly safe and desirable?
- Be consistent. It beats charisma every time.
- Be fair. It has a more detrimental, longer-term effect than just offering perks.
- Acknowledge effort. Don’t pretend personal cost doesn’t exist.
- Defend in high stakes. Can your team trust that you have their back?
- See the person. They’re more than a performance resource. Empathy will carry you home.
- Tell the truth early. Early feels like respect, late feels like betrayal.
If you are a leader, ask yourself – Would I stay here if I had less power?
If you are an individual contributor, ask yourself – Why do I stay here?
Honest answers will reveal that loyalty isn’t a program or perk. Loyalty is a mirror. If you want loyalty, don’t ask for it. Work toward building an environment where leaving feels like a loss.
Head over to my Leadership Consulting page to learn more about working together!